Dear Autumn,
As I was lying in "the tube" getting my MRI done. I could feel the beating of my heart thumping against the table and the anxiety building up inside of me, and all I could see in my head was you smiling back at me in front of the doorway this morning. Just imagining your face calmed me. As I proceeded to lay in the tube for the remainder of the 40 minute scan, the different rhythms the machine produced made me think of different situations with you. There was one where you were forcefully rocking on your rocking horse. Another where you were sticking those Mickey Mouse stickers you got all over my furniture and me gracefully removing them. Then there was the day you were born. Your father and I gazing down at you. The first time you tried to eat bananas. All these memories invade me and keep me calm.
Mom did not get good news today. My results from that scan showed that the mass inside my head is growing. The big fear I have is losing my ability to smile. I love making faces and having you mimic them. I love smiling at you. I know it probably sounds old to you, but I am only 29. Someday you will see this as being young too. At times I get scared. I want you to know that when you stick stickers all over my face later if I am not acting 100% like my normal self, Mom is okay, she just needs to soak it all in. Tomorrow we will take the maraca's and the bubble guppy microphone and have a dance party. I hate that this tumor won't leave me alone and I hate that it takes away from time that I get to enjoy with you. I am sorry if I am sad or distracted at times. We will get through this hump as a family like we all did last time. That I can promise you.
These next few weeks will be difficult as we learn about the radiation for the stereotactic surgery. Just as you keep me calm during my scan, just know I will be thinking of you every minute. You keep me strong. I love you so much and together this too will pass.
Love, Your Mommy :)
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