Feelin' Lucky

Luck varies. This is the first thing that is mentioned when google search "luck". Even its definition can change based on philosophy,  religion, ethnicity, ect.. I personally agree with the definition of luck as being "events that influence one's life and are seemingly beyond one's control".  My luck these last couple of weeks have been below desirable. Who ever came up with that whole things happen in sets of three, I wouldn't mind punching. The thing is though, I do believe that all things happen to us for a reason. I do not sit there and dwell on the bad things that happen to me because shit things can always be worse. And I do truly believe that. I could have died during surgery. I could have found out about this tumor early in my pregnancy and had to have to make a decision that would require me to question myself everyday. When my car died on the highway, it was the weekend, I was able to make it over to the shoulder without getting in a bad car accident. With my phone, shit at least the one and half days I went without one my car decided to still run good.
Tomorrow is my big radiation oncology appointment. First off, you get good parking. I know that would not be a positive thing most people think about but.....heck yes I will take that. The thing is though, patients get really good parking for radiation oncology because they are really sick. I have no symptoms from this tumor growing. I feel perfectly fine. It is such a emotional roller coaster to be going into a appointment because in all reality, I guess I am sick. I have a tumor growing in my head. I fear these treatments because they will probably make me feel sick and I have very high anxiety of my previous symptoms before surgery returning. I hated the tingling all over my face, the inability to chew food on my right side of my mouth, the eye drops/gels, drinking water and having it come out the right side of my mouth, and plan old just looking in the mirror and not recognizing my own face.
I know I am lucky. I have a good support system. I tackled a huge ass tumor and came out smiling. I have a excellent medical team. Everyday I take care of patients, I am able to give hope. No one talks about the positive outcomes or has internet sites dedicated to successful stories. I am a positive story. This radiation my be a set back but it was always in my original neurosurgeon's plan. I knew this possibility existed since waking up in the ICU.  At the end of the day luck is in the eye of the beholder. Luck defines the events that influence ones life but it is my life and I will take from it what I want. And at the end of the day I still feel lucky.

A letter to my daughter

Dear Autumn,
As I was lying in "the tube" getting my MRI done. I could feel the beating of my heart thumping against the table and the anxiety building up inside of me, and all I could see in my head was you smiling back at me in front of the doorway this morning. Just imagining your face calmed me. As I proceeded to lay in the tube for the remainder of the 40 minute scan, the different rhythms the machine produced made me think of different situations with you. There was one where you were forcefully rocking on your rocking horse. Another where you were sticking those Mickey Mouse stickers you got all over my furniture and me gracefully removing them. Then there was the day you were born. Your father and I gazing down at you. The first time you tried to eat bananas. All these memories invade me and keep me calm.
Mom did not get good news today. My results from that scan showed that the mass inside my head is growing. The big fear I have is losing my ability to smile. I love making faces and having you mimic them. I love smiling at you. I know it probably sounds old to you, but I am only 29. Someday you will see this as being young too. At times I get scared. I want you to know that when you stick stickers all over my face later if I am not acting 100% like my normal self, Mom is okay, she just needs to soak it all in. Tomorrow we will take the maraca's and the bubble guppy microphone and have a dance party. I hate that this tumor won't leave me alone and I hate that it takes away from time that I get to enjoy with you. I am sorry if I am sad or distracted at times. We will get through this hump as a family like we all did last time. That I can promise you.
These next few weeks will be difficult as we learn about the radiation for the stereotactic surgery. Just as you keep me calm during my scan, just know I will be thinking of you every minute. You keep me strong. I love you so much and together this too will pass.
Love, Your Mommy :)