Final Countdown! 2 days

The five stages of grief are the emotional stages that one experiences when faced with death or extremely awful fate. The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I always think of this episode of Robot Chicken I saw, where this giraffe is stuck in a tar pit. I somewhat relate to this giraffe. I am now in the stage of acceptance. I am happy to say.
 I was reading my information from my doctor's office, a pamphlet "Understanding Radiation Therapy- A Guide for Patients and Families". The first sentence in this book is "You've been told you have cancer." Okay.....wait a minute.....I don't have cancer. But the reality of the situation is most people that undergo Radiation Therapy have cancer. The typical treatment plan for radiation is 3-6 weeks, 5 days a week. Mine is only 1 week, for 5 days in a row. All the information I am given about radiation all say things like "to prevent or stop cancer to spread", "lessen the chance the cancer may come back" At the end of day. Things could always be worse. Most of the people I am sitting with in the waiting room are facing cancer that if they don't stop, it is a life or death situation. My tumor is not going to kill me. It may damage my face, which is a HUGE deal, but it will not take my life.
Today I baked cupcakes. I love baking. If you follow the directions, you will always come up with something fantastic that puts a smile on people's faces. I take my analogy of baking and use it towards my health. If I follow the directions to the best of my ability, the outcome will be amazing and will put a smile on my face and the people I choose to surround myself with.
Sure I am scared. Don't get me wrong. But I am looking forward to ringing the bell after I complete that last treatment next friday. I am looking forward to the future. Sure I might now have to see a Radiation Oncologist along with my Neurosurgeon for the rest of my life, but what other options do I have. I have received some letters and cards this last week. I thank everyone for their kind words and support through all of this. Your words and actions of sending out cards, keep me strong, keep me positive, and help remind me that it is all going to be okay. It is the simple things that can change a day, so thank you!
I start treatment Monday. My paperwork for work is in. Child care for treatment times set up and rides to treatments arranged. Now I just have to do it! Wish me luck! 2 more days till treatment time.   

2 More Weekends. 1 and Half More Weeks

The anticipation. The constant feeling, touching and looking at my face. "Is it drooping?" "Is it tingling?" "Do both sides feel the same?" "Please God don't grow and push against something in this short little time I wait to begin radiation." The jokes. The feelings of this is all going to be okay. The countdown. The anticipation.
These are just a few of the thoughts that conquer my thought process everyday. The wait to begin a procedure or have a surgery is just taxing on someone. You just want to get it over with. Feel normal again. My husband has played this game before with me. And you can tell. The minute I begin touching my face. He stops everything looks at me and says "Honey it is going to be okay. We are almost there." Today on Valentine's Day I am so happy to have him and celebrate with him. It makes me forget the sickness, the fear and the anticipation.
I got a letter the other day that was just kind of like a slap in the face. You have been denied life insurance due to.....acoustic neuroma. No matter how much better I feel or how long the beast lays dormant in life, I will never qualify for a life insurance policy that requires a medical background check. This broke my spirit just reading it. I am 29. If something happens to me, my husband and daughter will not be left with much. And no matter how healthy or what ever good news I receive in the future, I will always be too sick and risky for life insurance. Talk about something I never would have dreamed about having to face before I am thirty.
I have 2 more weekends. One and a half more weeks till treatment time.
Hold your loved ones close today. You never know how fast something can change and alter your path in life. You forget how much the little things matter.

My amazing mask for radiation

It was hot plastic that they lay on your face and you have to stay still for 25 minutes while it sets. I wish this process upon no one.

Autumn's Valentine's Day gifts to her Grandmas

Feelin' Lucky

Luck varies. This is the first thing that is mentioned when google search "luck". Even its definition can change based on philosophy,  religion, ethnicity, ect.. I personally agree with the definition of luck as being "events that influence one's life and are seemingly beyond one's control".  My luck these last couple of weeks have been below desirable. Who ever came up with that whole things happen in sets of three, I wouldn't mind punching. The thing is though, I do believe that all things happen to us for a reason. I do not sit there and dwell on the bad things that happen to me because shit things can always be worse. And I do truly believe that. I could have died during surgery. I could have found out about this tumor early in my pregnancy and had to have to make a decision that would require me to question myself everyday. When my car died on the highway, it was the weekend, I was able to make it over to the shoulder without getting in a bad car accident. With my phone, shit at least the one and half days I went without one my car decided to still run good.
Tomorrow is my big radiation oncology appointment. First off, you get good parking. I know that would not be a positive thing most people think about but.....heck yes I will take that. The thing is though, patients get really good parking for radiation oncology because they are really sick. I have no symptoms from this tumor growing. I feel perfectly fine. It is such a emotional roller coaster to be going into a appointment because in all reality, I guess I am sick. I have a tumor growing in my head. I fear these treatments because they will probably make me feel sick and I have very high anxiety of my previous symptoms before surgery returning. I hated the tingling all over my face, the inability to chew food on my right side of my mouth, the eye drops/gels, drinking water and having it come out the right side of my mouth, and plan old just looking in the mirror and not recognizing my own face.
I know I am lucky. I have a good support system. I tackled a huge ass tumor and came out smiling. I have a excellent medical team. Everyday I take care of patients, I am able to give hope. No one talks about the positive outcomes or has internet sites dedicated to successful stories. I am a positive story. This radiation my be a set back but it was always in my original neurosurgeon's plan. I knew this possibility existed since waking up in the ICU.  At the end of the day luck is in the eye of the beholder. Luck defines the events that influence ones life but it is my life and I will take from it what I want. And at the end of the day I still feel lucky.

A letter to my daughter

Dear Autumn,
As I was lying in "the tube" getting my MRI done. I could feel the beating of my heart thumping against the table and the anxiety building up inside of me, and all I could see in my head was you smiling back at me in front of the doorway this morning. Just imagining your face calmed me. As I proceeded to lay in the tube for the remainder of the 40 minute scan, the different rhythms the machine produced made me think of different situations with you. There was one where you were forcefully rocking on your rocking horse. Another where you were sticking those Mickey Mouse stickers you got all over my furniture and me gracefully removing them. Then there was the day you were born. Your father and I gazing down at you. The first time you tried to eat bananas. All these memories invade me and keep me calm.
Mom did not get good news today. My results from that scan showed that the mass inside my head is growing. The big fear I have is losing my ability to smile. I love making faces and having you mimic them. I love smiling at you. I know it probably sounds old to you, but I am only 29. Someday you will see this as being young too. At times I get scared. I want you to know that when you stick stickers all over my face later if I am not acting 100% like my normal self, Mom is okay, she just needs to soak it all in. Tomorrow we will take the maraca's and the bubble guppy microphone and have a dance party. I hate that this tumor won't leave me alone and I hate that it takes away from time that I get to enjoy with you. I am sorry if I am sad or distracted at times. We will get through this hump as a family like we all did last time. That I can promise you.
These next few weeks will be difficult as we learn about the radiation for the stereotactic surgery. Just as you keep me calm during my scan, just know I will be thinking of you every minute. You keep me strong. I love you so much and together this too will pass.
Love, Your Mommy :)  
 

The Nod of Shame

 My brother asked me the other day "What happened to your blog?" I replied "School. And why? Did you like my blog?" My brother actually read and enjoyed my mommy blog! Well the semester is at a end so now I can a blog a little more for a bit :)

My friend, Lindsay, most accurately titled my frustration that I felt at the Super Target today with Autumn while finishing Christmas Shopping.....The Nod of Shame.
The Nod of Shame- When two mothers cross each others paths and both of their children are acting out. Eye contact and a nod of the head is done to assure the other mother "I feel your pain" or "I have been there".
We went through a stage at about 13 months where going to the grocery store became more difficult as Autumn realized, "Hey I can move by myself you know".  That phase passed and the grocery store became fun again for awhile. But now we have entered a new stage.....Ms. Independent. Yes Kelly Clarkson just had a flash back in my head but this is not a yay go you girl moment. My toddler ( I have stopped saying baby :( ) does not want to sit in the cart, cause well she is a big girl, and randomly decides, I want to go this way. This starts a chain reaction of mom with a cart chasing a toddler. Now there are times when we go shopping that she behaves like a perfect angel just walking next to me or sometimes she even pushes the cart. I let her pick out items, she throws them in the cart. And I even let her hand my debit card to the cashier. But there are other times that shopping was just not on the agenda in toddler land and that day was today! She had a couple of those, I give up "toddler throw your whole body back", screeching moments that are so loud and a little embarrassing that your face starts matching your red pea coat. Well I decided I am done lets go. We can do this another day. As I was leaving I saw a mom in the line for Customer Service, her toddler was doing the lying on the floor knees bent arched back cry, us mom's looked at each other, smiled and did the nod of shame.  The minute we left Autumn was happy again.

Now for the part everyone loves a flash back of Autumn photos over the last couple months!

Our first haircut

Autumn was a flower girl in 2 weddings this fall. She made it down the aisle both times :)

We have mastered the cup but I still enjoy the comfort of a no leak sippy cup

Our eating habits have improved! Autumn is trying new things and enjoys apples, strawberries, pears, and bananas

this girl loves to climb

Autumn was Tinker Bell for Halloween

She has memorized all the Ponies names. The best one is listening to her say Rarity

Eczema has improved I haven't used steroids in over a week!

She has been very good at not touching the tree. It only took 3 visits to the time out corner

Yep we rocked out sunglasses when we went to go see Santa

 

In with the New

I am about ready to start a new chapter in my life. Yes I am going back to school, which has given me some anxiety, but I am going to move my daughter over to the toddler bed. This concept has given me stress since it first got brought up when she was 18 months. I love the crib aka baby prison. I know exactly where she is. In preparation to start this journey, I decided to clean up Autumn's room. While organizing the closet I found a box of old photos that were some how left behind when my mother-in-law moved out of the house 4 years ago.

For anyone who does not know. Fred and I bought our house from Jane, my mother-in-law. Jane built this house in 2003. These photos are predominantly taken in this house and it is amazing to look at. The house may have changed in looks but the memories that have happened in these walls are just amazing to think about. This house has never been lived in by anyone but our family and has been a part of our family even before I was.

 Nice to see Uncle Alan stands in the same spot :)

I get upset about the never ending list of things that need to be repaired in my house. But this is true for any home owner. I love my house. My house is just like family to me. We have our ups and downs but at the end of the day, I fall asleep feeling safe and comfortable.

Inside these walls my sister-in-law, Jessi, went to her first prom, my mother-in-law bought her first house with her husband, my sister-in-law, Tina went through adolescence, my husband and I bought our first house, and my daughter only knows this place as home. It is not just a house, it is a home. I forget about all the things that happened in this house because Fred never really lived here, except for a small period of time in which he primarily stayed in my Lawrence apartment.
As I get my daughter's room ready for her next step in life, I can't help and think about all the many first events that happened in our house. The love, the fights, the disappointment, the happiness, everything that goes on in a family that makes you grow stronger and realize that no matter what happens you have a group of people who will stand by your side and help you when you fall.

 

Validation by Likes

The AAP came out with new car seat recommendations saying children should stay in a belt-positioning booster until they are at least 4 foot 9 inches and 8-12 years old. That and the whole keep your toddler rear facing till 2. The rear facing car seat debacle has a lot of strong opinions. The funny thing in my opinion is that if you don't agree with the rear facing car seat you are automatically ignorant and/or not caring about the safety of your child (according to comments on various online articles). This is not the only parenting topic that people who don't even know you will judge you as a parent over. Other popular ones are breastfeeding, baby-led weaning, vaccinations, potty training, and co sleeping

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I started putting my daughter in a forward facing car seat when she turned 1. This is legal in the state of Kansas and my decision. I have read the studies, seen the you tube videos, and as my daughter's mother I believe it is best for her to stay forward facing. She fits the weight and height requirements for her forward facing car seat. There are many times as a parent where I feel automatically judged by my decisions. The breast feeding one was a huge one for me. Sorry I was a unfit mother right off the bat and was unable to breast feed my daughter because I was too busy battling a tumor in my head. The sad thing is that because of all the propaganda out there I seriously was starting to think that.

Formula feeding Autumn when she was only a couple weeks old

I understand everyone wants to do what is best for their children but I feel as if we need to take a step back and not judge those who have different parenting techniques then us. Safety is always the one that people will argue with as a reason on why their way is the correct way and everyone should conform to their standard. Every child is different. Every parent is different. Every family is different.  I do admit that I find the new standards on car seats a little ridiculous. And I, myself, need to be more quiet and not vocalize my opinion in such a harsh way because saying someones car seat beliefs are ridiculous may be hurtful to someone who is just trying to do what is best for their child.  However, just imagining a 12 year old, who would be middle school age, in a high back booster seat baffles me. But if you want to place your child at 12 years old in a high back booster more power to you, but that doesn't mean I will or have to.

 Autumn did love her car seat when she was a little baby.

Whatever did happened to people believing "well that is your kid so do what you want". Anything you do in public can be judged and people feel as if it is now upon them to help you parent your child like it is their business. Now a days with social media, it seems parents want to get as many likes and followers to validate their opinion. Is this a change in our whole generation though? Do we all just want to feel validated in our opinions by seeing that like button highlighted or a comment just to know someone else agrees with us?
I know many people don't agree with me on the car seat thing. And that is fine. I understand the safety concerns. But all us moms are just doing what we find best for our children and these decisions are driven by our love. Lets all teach our children the concept of understanding and respect by politely accepting other's views even when they are on topics that hold such strong opinions. Our opinions are exactly that.........our opinions. 
I promise to not be so serious next week. Just had to have a little rant :)  

 I will always do what I feel is best for you :)

 Now on to the part that everyone loves. Nibby photos!

Autumn has decided she LOVES to put on hats

I got my oil changed and Autumn behaved like a angel

Someone is enjoying MY bed more and more

The Lovin My Nibz board updated for August

Who doesn't enjoy a flavor ice in the bath tub on a hot day or a embarrassing bath tub photo?